Step 8 Requires Preparation, Ownership and Courage
Many of us struggled with the fourth and fifth step. Listing and discussing our character defects with our sponsors or spiritual advisors was challenging. We know step 9 is just around the corner and we are going to be asked to go face to face with those we harmed. For most, this is a daunting task.
Thorough preparation and much discussion with our sponsors or mentors makes step 9 much easier. Taking ownership of our transgressions and sharing the details with those who guide us helps pave the way to complete step 9 more smoothly.
Marianne Williamson says about courage:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine; as children we do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
We learn in recovery that to be forgiven, we must be willing to forgive. So it’s important to be clear about what forgiveness really is. Forgiveness is not to:
Forgiveness is a decision to not:
• exact revenge
• seek compensation
Forgiveness is a decision to:
• release them
• release ourselves
• be released
“How willing are you to forgive your brother? How much do you desire peace instead of endless strife and misery and pain? These questions are the same, in different form. Forgiveness is your peace, for herein lies the end of separation and the dream of danger and destruction, sin, and death; of madness and of murder, grief and loss. This is the ‘sacrifice’ salvation asks, and gladly offers peace instead of this.” ~A Course in Miracles18
Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles that we may find useful.
“Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p.79)
Most of us have trouble getting started with this step. It requires courage and humility to come face to face with those we have harmed. Direct amends means taking full ownership of our past indiscretions. This means repairing physical and financial damage when necessary and possible. Those who have gone before us in this journey have shared that in some cases it took years for them to pay for the financial damage they had created.
Here are some questions that may come up for us in the process:
What if it’s impossible to repay the damage?
What do we do if contacting the person could injure or scare them?
What if the person we harmed is impossible to find or has died?
What do we do if making amends could result in us being incarcerated?
Remember that step 8 states “became willing to make amends to them all.” The words became willing are the key to this process. In some cases, the willingness is all that is required in step 9. Some amends may be impossible and others extremely time-consuming. In some cases we may be justified moving on to step 10 before completing step 9. Once again, ask for help with this decision. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.
These quotes set the tone for step 9 and were selected to answer common questions that arise when working step 9.
I make amends to those who I have harmed.
I focus on the actions I have taken that hurt others.
I pay back debts I owe.
I write letters.
I find time to do and say things that would help heal the damage that I have done.
I try to bring goodness where previously I had brought discord and destruction. (12Steps.org)
After we have made a list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p 83). Discussing each amend with our sponsors will give us clarity for the task at hand.
In some relationships unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we will simply go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when an old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect amends may be necessary where direct contact would be unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. Try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved from our pasts.
An affirmation for making amends: “I am willing to keep an open mind and heart while in this process. I will use honesty and integrity at every juncture, and I will absolutely avoid hurting others.”
“Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past.” ~Oprah Winfrey
I had two distinct experiences while accomplishing step 9. The first I wrote about at the beginning of this chapter – my encounter with the attorney I’d stiffed. The second was in high school. There was a girl who I bullied, even though bullying was uncharacteristic of my personality and I never understood why I was so mean-spirited to this person. She was number one on my list of people I harmed, and in her case I was totally at fault and had no reason or excuse for my awful behavior. After arriving back in California from paying my ex-attorney and fellow AA member, I decided to search for the girl I harmed in high school. She was not popular then, but I took a shot by joining one of the high school classmate websites to look for her. Lo and behold, she was one of only three members from my high school class who belonged to the site. (We only had 52 in my graduating class.) I sent her a long, heartfelt email apologizing for being such a jerk. I held back nothing and asked for her forgiveness.
I was blown away when I received her response. Not only did she forgive me, she tried to minimize the harm that I had perpetrated on her. She told of struggles in life after high school and that she had lost two husbands to lung cancer. She joked that she finally chose to marry again, this time to a non-smoker. She shared that things eventually turned out well and that she truly enjoys life. She appreciated hearing from me. We are Facebook friends today and we often joke and chat.
After these two experiences, the rest of my amends were a piece of cake. I continue to make living amends with my family, especially my two sons, who witnessed firsthand the damage I caused because of my chemical addictions.
I testify that step 9 is a spiritual experience that I would not have wanted to miss. The Big Book states the Promises of AA start coming true halfway through this step.
The Promises of Addiction vs. the Promises of AA
After the many years I’ve spent navigating recovery (in ways positive and negative), I’ve come up with twelve false promises addiction presents and contrast it with the true and hopeful promises of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Addiction Promise 1: I have lost my freedom and I am void of happiness.
AA Promise 1: We are going to know a new freedom and new happiness.
Addiction Promise 2: I will forever relive the past while trying to ignore the extent of the damage I have caused.
AA Promise 2: We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Addiction Promise 3: I will live in chaos and restlessness.
AA Promise 3: We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
Addiction Promise 4: I do not develop emotionally or spirituality while attached to my addiction. I am amazed at how low I sink while basking in denial.
AA Promise 4: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
Addiction Promise 5: I will feel sorry for myself and bask in my misery.
AA Promise 5: That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
Addiction Promise 6: I will be selfish, self-centered and dishonest.
AA Promise 6: We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Addiction Promise 7: I will continue to isolate and put my wants and needs first.
AA Promise 7: Self-seeking will slip away.
Addiction Promise 8: My attitude and outlook on life sucks.
AA Promise 8: Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Addiction Promise 9: I will constantly fear that I will never have enough.
AA Promise 9: Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
Addiction Promise 10: I do not trust my decisions, and reality will endlessly confuse me.
AA Promise 10: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Addiction Promise 11: I have been a liar for so long, I no longer trust God or myself.
AA Promise 11: We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Addiction Promise 12: My addiction is too strong; I will never be free of it.
AA Promise 12: Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
No matter what outward appearance we may give in our addiction, we live alone in fear and isolation. In recovery we use words us and we because we are never alone thanks to our fellowship and higher power.
Accomplishing step 9 catapults us into our new role as a mature and responsible person. We gain the respect of others and experience a newfound feeling of confidence. No longer do we cower in fear because we have faced our demons head-on. We take full responsibility for our actions and we distance ourselves from our past lives.